Part 2

I promised pics last time and didn't deliver. Here are a few new ones for those of you who don't have facebook!

Last time I wrote something, well it was sad. My parents both found it sad. Which is what it is!! I mean this is what made me do the things I did! Its sad! I am hoping that this post is not going to be such a downer this time, but I am going to start off with some sad things.

I think my last downer about India was when I was with Abby (not her real name). She was so sweet to take me in for the month and a half I was with her. She was also incredible with the nationals. When I came into the picture, I do not feel like I was an asset to her. In fact, I ruined a relationship she had with a brother and sister who were non-believers. The brother had a crush on her and my dumbass told him he needed to tell her. I wasn't thinking Oooo maybe if he told her, She would reject him, that would make things awkward and they would no longer be friends. The second relationship I feel I did not handle very well was with a sweet couple. They also had the two cutest kids!! Anyways, they needed money to fund their ministry. I again was a dumbass and told them that maybe I could set up a fundraiser in the States for them....ugh. Did I ever do that? No. I didn't. When I look upon this situation, I feel that out of all of them this is one that has really helped me grow. This tought me how to be more thoughtful. It tought me to think about all the people involved. To this day I can't think of why I had that brother declare his feelings. Maybe it was to promote honesty??? Heck I don't know. I was young and obviously unwise....I didn't know how to live life. I didn't know how to process things.

This leads me to the year I got back. One of the WORST and BEST years of my life. At first it was incredibly lonely. All of my friends had gone off to college, I was starting to go to a new church, and no one realized what I was going through. When I got back, I just thought things would go back to normal. That is what I wanted. I wanted to pretend that that didn't just happen. Well after going down to Mississippi and trying to start a relationship with this LOSER guy, I started having panic attacks. I literally started to go crazy and because of this guy and these panic attacks, I lost my best friend. My bestfriend and I never recovered either. At least not like we used to be. I miss her, too. That didn't help the panic attacks.

I went to counseling through-out this year. It didn't help, but I don't think I wanted it to help. When I got back from India, I was changed and I wanted to be my own person. I didn't think the person I wanted to be would be appropriate though. I mean I had just gotten back from a missions trip. There had to be a certain expectation as to how my life was going to go! Well, the more I held this new person in, the sicker I got. Mid-summer I decided I was going to go off to college to UT Martin. I loved the campus and my tour there just made me fall in love with the school.

Sammie

A lot of people didn't understand why I was so willing to hurt my family to be with Sammie. Sammie was stable. He was someone that could understand me and love me. He was a rock. A safe place. As soon as I started dating Sammie the panic attacks stopped. He was something different for me and I was something different for him. I feel like we were both a couple of tall glasses of water for each other on a hot day. I honestly believe that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here today. I was like Alice in the rabbits hole, spiraling out of control. He caught me when I hit rock bottom. Now when I was trying to climb out of the hole it was tough on our relationship. We even almost split-up, but at that point I had finally climbed out and things turned around. My friend Paul told me to read Proverbs when Sammie and I weren't doing too well and it changed my life. It gave me a new perspective on life, on God! See, there was just no going back after India. I couldn't stop being a believer because of all the things I had seen, but I needed a grasp on what I did believe! I knew who Mary Fergus was but who was Mary Meade? Sammie gave me a new start.

Despite the fact that my heart still aches from time to time, I know more about Christ now than ever before. I really do believe that the Gospel just isn't about the "sacrfice" but about love. India, no matter how horrible it was, taught me what my purpose was/is in life. Sammie taught me about life. When it all came together in Christ's perfect plan, I feel like I was finally able to see the big picture. Now, I am not perfect and I am still learning, but I finally realized that it was about love. That is why it says in Corinthians that love is bigger and more important than faith and hope. Those are two huge things to be bigger than!!! I mean Faith can move mountains...imagine what love can do!! Its very hard to love people. Forgiveness is hard, but this is how Christ wants us to be like him!! He doesn't want us to be perfect, which was an issue I struggled with for years, its about loving like him! If it wasn't for my struggle (and I hate the fact that for me to learn this lesson I hurt other people) I honestly do believe that my life would have been sad. If I didn't make the decisions and break free in a way, I don't think I would ever have gotten to know Christ on a real personal level....at least not for a while. He always has a way.

* I reread this a few times. Sorry about any grammatical errors.