I have anger issues. That is not a surprise to most people. I don't really know why I have them either. People are really irritating and forgiveness doesn't come natural to me. Does it come natural to anyone? My one and only New Year's resolution was to be a better friend. I think I have accomplished that, but to only one friend. I didn't know it was going to be so hard, especially now that I have an easy excuse...Lucy.
I used to be a very self-righteous person. If people didn't do it my way they were wrong, period. I would get into arguments just because of this, too. Now, what really irritates me is people asking for advice and hearing what they want to hear and continuing down the road of destruction. I guess I have gotten more forgiving because now I don't let things bother me too much like that. I just say, "Hey, if thats the road they want to go down, there is nothing I can do about it!" But then, after I say that and they have gone down that road...and now they're hurt and they're crying to me...I want to be like, "You effing idiot!! I told you this would happen and you didn't listen! Now you want pitty from me? Go eff yourself!" Hence the anger issues.... and thats still pretty self-righteous. I guess what is better now is that I am less vocal about it. Saying any of that wouldn't be a friendly thing to do.
I don't know why, but I like the feeling of being angry sometimes. I think it gives me some kind of false sense of power, because I can be really mean. I always feel bad afterwards though. I am a lot better than I used to be! For example, today Sammie asked me a question and I just didn't say anything. Honestly, yes I was mad and it was a little thing. I wanted to say some pretty mean things though, so I just told him "I really don't want to respond to this!" I rather not say something mean just to make myself feel better and then have to apologize later.
I think what my problem really is, is that I rather avoid people than set boundaries. How can you set boundaries and still be loving? Because sometimes I get so angry and I might literally be having visions of hitting the person. Being angry is exhausting though! And if you are angry about one small thing with a person anything else they do is more irritating and makes you angrier. And not setting boundaries leads to bitterness! I read a quote on facebook the other day from my friend Heather Hurdle, "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." So true!!
I continually have to lay my anger down at the feet of Christ and let it go. I cannot control people, but I don't have to let them walk all over me either. That is why boundaries are so important. They keep us healthy. Sin feels good, and thats why I think anger can feel good sometimes. Boundaries are what help us grow up. I wouldn't have any friends if I told them to "eff off" all the time. Silence is golden sometimes. I just have to figure out how to set boundaries without being a bitch. I know everyone can tell me how too, but I think this might have to be learned.
On to bigger and better things. Lucy has had some issues this week. It has been a very stressful week for me and I have been concerned about food allergies. She hasn't been breastfeeding very well, which makes life harder. I wanted to breastfeed until she was about eight months or so. This is what is best for her! This is how it was designed! So, I would really hate to stop early, but I can't force her. She just might be less interested since she has started baby food!
Just to let everyone know, I caved and went and got that $4.99 lipgloss at Walgreens. There is a BUT though and that is the fact that it is the PERFECT color for me (exactly what I have been looking for, for years) and the PERFECT texture. Texture is important people! Of course, every person likes a different texture. I like "slighty sticky, but lasts" kinda textures. This one is perfect! So I guess you could say I got my Easter present early!
Sammie is still Sammie. Excited about going fishing this season. So am I. I can't wait to take Lucy! I think she will have a blast!
(I'm watching Coyote Ugly right now and it is the stupidest movie. I might be losing IQ points)
I hope this blog made sense...
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