Anger issues and Boundaries.

I have anger issues. That is not a surprise to most people. I don't really know why I have them either. People are really irritating and forgiveness doesn't come natural to me. Does it come natural to anyone? My one and only New Year's resolution was to be a better friend. I think I have accomplished that, but to only one friend. I didn't know it was going to be so hard, especially now that I have an easy excuse...Lucy.

I used to be a very self-righteous person. If people didn't do it my way they were wrong, period. I would get into arguments just because of this, too. Now, what really irritates me is people asking for advice and hearing what they want to hear and continuing down the road of destruction. I guess I have gotten more forgiving because now I don't let things bother me too much like that. I just say, "Hey, if thats the road they want to go down, there is nothing I can do about it!" But then, after I say that and they have gone down that road...and now they're hurt and they're crying to me...I want to be like, "You effing idiot!! I told you this would happen and you didn't listen! Now you want pitty from me? Go eff yourself!" Hence the anger issues.... and thats still pretty self-righteous. I guess what is better now is that I am less vocal about it. Saying any of that wouldn't be a friendly thing to do.

I don't know why, but I like the feeling of being angry sometimes. I think it gives me some kind of false sense of power, because I can be really mean. I always feel bad afterwards though. I am a lot better than I used to be! For example, today Sammie asked me a question and I just didn't say anything. Honestly, yes I was mad and it was a little thing. I wanted to say some pretty mean things though, so I just told him "I really don't want to respond to this!" I rather not say something mean just to make myself feel better and then have to apologize later.

I think what my problem really is, is that I rather avoid people than set boundaries. How can you set boundaries and still be loving? Because sometimes I get so angry and I might literally be having visions of hitting the person. Being angry is exhausting though! And if you are angry about one small thing with a person anything else they do is more irritating and makes you angrier. And not setting boundaries leads to bitterness! I read a quote on facebook the other day from my friend Heather Hurdle, "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." So true!!

I continually have to lay my anger down at the feet of Christ and let it go. I cannot control people, but I don't have to let them walk all over me either. That is why boundaries are so important. They keep us healthy. Sin feels good, and thats why I think anger can feel good sometimes. Boundaries are what help us grow up. I wouldn't have any friends if I told them to "eff off" all the time. Silence is golden sometimes. I just have to figure out how to set boundaries without being a bitch. I know everyone can tell me how too, but I think this might have to be learned.


On to bigger and better things. Lucy has had some issues this week. It has been a very stressful week for me and I have been concerned about food allergies. She hasn't been breastfeeding very well, which makes life harder. I wanted to breastfeed until she was about eight months or so. This is what is best for her! This is how it was designed! So, I would really hate to stop early, but I can't force her. She just might be less interested since she has started baby food!

Just to let everyone know, I caved and went and got that $4.99 lipgloss at Walgreens. There is a BUT though and that is the fact that it is the PERFECT color for me (exactly what I have been looking for, for years) and the PERFECT texture. Texture is important people! Of course, every person likes a different texture. I like "slighty sticky, but lasts" kinda textures. This one is perfect! So I guess you could say I got my Easter present early!

Sammie is still Sammie. Excited about going fishing this season. So am I. I can't wait to take Lucy! I think she will have a blast!

(I'm watching Coyote Ugly right now and it is the stupidest movie. I might be losing IQ points)

I hope this blog made sense...

Things....

The following is an admission of guilt.

Some people drink, others do drugs, but I buy lipgloss. People say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Well, I am a lipgloss addict. When I have a bad day, I want to buy lipgloss. When I feel sick, I want lipgloss. For every Holiday, I want lipgloss. I actually get high after buying lipgloss. I get sooo excited about it, at night sometimes I think, "Tomorrow, I can put my new lipgloss on!!" I get THAT excited about lipgloss and its sad really. Something so small and shallow can make me feel better, that it could even boost my self-esteem. I probably have about ten in my purse. I don't know how many in my bathroom drawer, but for an addict I think that is a small amount. I use them all. In fact, a month ago I actually used my entire Covergirl NaturalLux Lipgloss in just a couple of weeks. It is one of my favorites and is now 40% off at any RiteAid Location.

The RiteAid flyer is the devil. It has lipgloss on sale every week!! Not to mention it seems like they have new lipgloss coming out aaalll the time. Now, Sammie works for Walgreens which mean that not only can I get lipgloss on sale, but I also get a friggin discount. This has been the hardest time practicing control!!!! I have been obsessing over a lipgloss that I want for a week now!! Its $4.99 at walgreens plus the 15% off I get!!! AAAAAH! Its driving me crazy just thinking about it. When I put it in perspective though, I feel really bad. I mean how shallow can I be?

It gets worse. My birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. I got two Coach bags. One is from our friend Chris and the other is "from Sammie" (which means we went shopping and He let me pick it out. Yea, he is the best gift giver ever!!) Anyways, when I was in the store picking my new fabulous pink coach bag, I actually felt sad that something so shallow and materialistic could make me feel good. What is wrong with me? I went to India where people had NOTHING and now I am back and lipgloss and purses make me "feel good". Not to mention, when I do buy those things the "high" only lasts for a few days, except for the bag. I get a high everytime I carry that damn thing. LOL! Oooo gosh but this isn't funny! There are bigger things in life!! SOOO much bigger!! I mean I guess its better than eating a cupcake everytime I feel bad! I don't know! O my goodness!! I am really trying to practice control and only buy lipgloss when its a special occassion. For example, for Valentine's I got a lipgloss and for my birthday I got two Lancome lipglosses. Yup and Easter is coming up!! Guess what I will want? *sigh* It takes Jesus to even practice THAT much self-control.

Okay so here are a few updates about the other two people that live with that don't have addictions to lipgloss.

Lucy has started smacking and sucking on her lips. Its literally the cutest thing on the face of the planet and despite the fact that every mother wants the sun to shine out of there childs ass, the sun really does shine out of Lucy's ass. Okay? When she cries it still shines,too. LOL! Anyways, she still hasn't rolled over, which concerns me. She can roll from her tummy to her back, but not the other way around. I know every child develops at their on pace, but I wonder of course if there is something I am doing wrong!! She lifts her head very well and is a "supported sitter", but Sammie still reminds me every once in a while to stop worrying!! Lucy also is the loudest child I have ever met. I have babysat since I was 13, and I have never seen a child start at the very top or highest pitch they could get and then go down to the lowest. Its a good thing though. I know when she is happy and I really know when she is sad! Five months old and she already know how to communicate and what can I say she has her mother's lungs!

Sammie started school today. Its his last class in his Masters program!!!! It is so exciting! It is a ten week class and after that he graduates in May! He also recently started back at Walgreens! Crackerbarrel just wasn't a good fit. It was just too boring for him. He is what my mother likes to call a "shark". He constantly is having to do something and move forward. I am not complaining. I am just not the same. I will go back to school, but it won't be until we get some of our debt under control and I am ok with that. Maybe, I will pop a few more kids out until then or something. LOL! Anyways, Sammie has been really happy to be back at Walgreens. He learns something new everyday and is getting some awesome experience. Sammie also has started making his own jerky. Honestly, its the best jerky I have ever had. I am not saying that because I am bias or anything, its just really that good.

Me- Well, besides my lipgloss obsession, I vaccuumed today and got some laundry folded and put in the drawers. I feel incredibly accomplished today! I even swept, did the dishes, and so on! Yay! Ta-ta for now!

Part 2

I promised pics last time and didn't deliver. Here are a few new ones for those of you who don't have facebook!

Last time I wrote something, well it was sad. My parents both found it sad. Which is what it is!! I mean this is what made me do the things I did! Its sad! I am hoping that this post is not going to be such a downer this time, but I am going to start off with some sad things.

I think my last downer about India was when I was with Abby (not her real name). She was so sweet to take me in for the month and a half I was with her. She was also incredible with the nationals. When I came into the picture, I do not feel like I was an asset to her. In fact, I ruined a relationship she had with a brother and sister who were non-believers. The brother had a crush on her and my dumbass told him he needed to tell her. I wasn't thinking Oooo maybe if he told her, She would reject him, that would make things awkward and they would no longer be friends. The second relationship I feel I did not handle very well was with a sweet couple. They also had the two cutest kids!! Anyways, they needed money to fund their ministry. I again was a dumbass and told them that maybe I could set up a fundraiser in the States for them....ugh. Did I ever do that? No. I didn't. When I look upon this situation, I feel that out of all of them this is one that has really helped me grow. This tought me how to be more thoughtful. It tought me to think about all the people involved. To this day I can't think of why I had that brother declare his feelings. Maybe it was to promote honesty??? Heck I don't know. I was young and obviously unwise....I didn't know how to live life. I didn't know how to process things.

This leads me to the year I got back. One of the WORST and BEST years of my life. At first it was incredibly lonely. All of my friends had gone off to college, I was starting to go to a new church, and no one realized what I was going through. When I got back, I just thought things would go back to normal. That is what I wanted. I wanted to pretend that that didn't just happen. Well after going down to Mississippi and trying to start a relationship with this LOSER guy, I started having panic attacks. I literally started to go crazy and because of this guy and these panic attacks, I lost my best friend. My bestfriend and I never recovered either. At least not like we used to be. I miss her, too. That didn't help the panic attacks.

I went to counseling through-out this year. It didn't help, but I don't think I wanted it to help. When I got back from India, I was changed and I wanted to be my own person. I didn't think the person I wanted to be would be appropriate though. I mean I had just gotten back from a missions trip. There had to be a certain expectation as to how my life was going to go! Well, the more I held this new person in, the sicker I got. Mid-summer I decided I was going to go off to college to UT Martin. I loved the campus and my tour there just made me fall in love with the school.

Sammie

A lot of people didn't understand why I was so willing to hurt my family to be with Sammie. Sammie was stable. He was someone that could understand me and love me. He was a rock. A safe place. As soon as I started dating Sammie the panic attacks stopped. He was something different for me and I was something different for him. I feel like we were both a couple of tall glasses of water for each other on a hot day. I honestly believe that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here today. I was like Alice in the rabbits hole, spiraling out of control. He caught me when I hit rock bottom. Now when I was trying to climb out of the hole it was tough on our relationship. We even almost split-up, but at that point I had finally climbed out and things turned around. My friend Paul told me to read Proverbs when Sammie and I weren't doing too well and it changed my life. It gave me a new perspective on life, on God! See, there was just no going back after India. I couldn't stop being a believer because of all the things I had seen, but I needed a grasp on what I did believe! I knew who Mary Fergus was but who was Mary Meade? Sammie gave me a new start.

Despite the fact that my heart still aches from time to time, I know more about Christ now than ever before. I really do believe that the Gospel just isn't about the "sacrfice" but about love. India, no matter how horrible it was, taught me what my purpose was/is in life. Sammie taught me about life. When it all came together in Christ's perfect plan, I feel like I was finally able to see the big picture. Now, I am not perfect and I am still learning, but I finally realized that it was about love. That is why it says in Corinthians that love is bigger and more important than faith and hope. Those are two huge things to be bigger than!!! I mean Faith can move mountains...imagine what love can do!! Its very hard to love people. Forgiveness is hard, but this is how Christ wants us to be like him!! He doesn't want us to be perfect, which was an issue I struggled with for years, its about loving like him! If it wasn't for my struggle (and I hate the fact that for me to learn this lesson I hurt other people) I honestly do believe that my life would have been sad. If I didn't make the decisions and break free in a way, I don't think I would ever have gotten to know Christ on a real personal level....at least not for a while. He always has a way.

* I reread this a few times. Sorry about any grammatical errors.

Can the good out weigh the bad?

I know it has been a while since my last post. Motherhood is busy and I do plan on posting a few pics of Lucy on here after I am done, but I need to take a second and get something off my chest. A lot of you probably know that I have gone to India. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my last trip there. I have a lot of regrets and even though I do, I also miss it. I miss the color. I miss the smells. I even miss the culture, but after I think about the things I miss, it is like all the negative things that happened on that trip come back to me and make me sad. So many regrets....





I feel stupid talking about it. I feel like its "dramatic" or too small to even worry about and thats why I keep it to myself. I think "No one else is going to understand. No one else is going to see this as a big deal." And maybe not, but then again no one else was there with me.








The second time I went for the first two weeks I was witha group. An awesome group that really bonded while we were there! It was so fun and fruitful and me ministered to the people there. I remember this one time when we were at "Mother Theresa's Destitute and Dying" and there was this wonderful, blind old lady who was just hanging out. Well I went over to her to say hey and she asked my name(in hindi) and I told her. Well that is a catholic run hospital and she lit up when I told her my name. It just seems that all of my good experiences happened with the group...except for a couple.





The group and I went to a ceremony on the Ganges River, which is a stronghold for hinduism and a river that they worship. It is a very powerful place where cremations take and people bathe. Yes, they do both. If people can't afford cremation they just throw the bodies into the river with something to hold them down...well eventually the bodies make it up to the surface. The second time I went to india it was just a man, bloated from the water. The first time I went it was a little girl about six years old, with a bird pecking her head as she floated down the river. Now that I have a daughter, this image in my head makes me sick. But this experience that I guess "traumatized" me is about my second trip. I did see a lot of death in India. Especially where we were at the ganges river. I could go further about the things I saw but I will spare you and just talk about those things that put the "crazy gene" in me. So, after this ceremony, after prayer walking, we were going to back to our cars to go back to a hotel. As I was walking I felt something, something odd around my "special" area....men there are ridiculous. Apparently they feel like they can put there hands on anywhere on anybody. Uggggh! Thats right this man had is hand in that area.... sometimes I am still like "maybe I was hallucinating". I think its more just wishful thinking....





I guess because of that situation right there set the "mood" for the rest of the trip. When the group left I was sooo scared and cried sooo much. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to live life. When I look at pictures, like I just did, all I feel is sick. This is NOT how I wanted to feel. I rather feel joy. I rather smile at the good memories rather than look at them and groan because my heart aches.



For a week, while the girl I was staying with went to renew her visa, I had the privledge of staying with nationals. This is where most of my regrets come from because I was literally frozen with fear... Sunday when we all went to church I was suppose to say a few words. My testimony, what I thought about God, ANYTHING! Well as the pastor was asking anyone new to come up and say a few words ( the "new" person being me obviously because I'm WHITE) I sat there. Yup. I just sat there and sank in my chair. Errg! The shame that I saw on the nationals faces after that!! Omgosh! I embarassed them. Depsite the fact that probably don't even remember me and if they do they have moved past this situation I am stuck in it. It is something I think of when I really want to punish myself....just kidding. But it is something I think about and cringe. I can just imagine watching this in a movie. Everyone would be like, "Get up!! Go girl! You can do it!! GET UP!!!." And the disappointment in the audience when I don't. What also drives me crazy are the people that I talked to when I got back. So proud of me. I remember showing pictures to people who gave money for me to go and I literally told them nothing about the trip. I guess I was trying to keep all the "bad" stuff to myself. I wanted people to stay proud of me and not know that the trip was a FAIL. I think because I was keeping all my regrets inside of me is the reason I started having panic attacks when I got back. So I guess my question is, is can the little good I had in the trip really out weigh the bad? I mean I have forgiven myself, but that doesn't mean I forget. That also doesn't mean that sometimes I have to forgive myself over and over again! Anyways....this blog post is TO BE CONTINUED.... I will post Lucy pics in that one because I am literally running out the door....literally... SORRY!

ok ok ok I know. Its been a while.

These are some of my favorite pics!! These are on facebook. I need to post new ones soon!

So I know it has been a while, but getting used to motherhood is time consuming. Lucy is five weeks old now and its amazing to see all the changes! Of course, a month ago we weren't expecting little Lucy to come so soon. It actually a funny story. I had my last Doctors appointment September 30th before I was to be induced October 4th. Earlier that morning I had started having some pains, but it wasn't anything I was concerned about. I was sleeping through the pains and didn't even see any regularity in them. If fact, I barely felt them. Anyways, when I got to the docs he checked me and I was 3cm dilated and already "thinning". Sorry if that is TMI. He said that it was unusual and asked me if I was having any pains. I told him I had started having these sharp lower back pains but nothing big. Well then he started pressing on my stomach and I was like "Yea now that hurts!". So he sent me to the hospital just for some observation. I still wasn't thinking that I was going to have our Lucy that day, but when we got to the hospital I was apparently having contractions every 2-3 minutes. Needsless to say, thirty minutes later the Doc was coming to break my water and when he did that checked me again and I was already 5cm in THIRTY minutes!! Everything was going to fast. The nurses thought I was going to have a baby by dinner time. Well dinner time came and went. I got stuck at 9cm and then I started feeling the contractions even though I got an epidural. O well couldn't feel anything else. Anyways, when it came time to push, I didn't have to push for long. I pushed through about three contractions and she was out!!

Well after she was out getting used to a new little was hard. It still is but I think my body has gotten used to it. Its hard to believe she is already a month old. She really has been a sweetheart. I mean there are always good days and bad days, its just now the days are 24hrs. :)

Lucy hit pay dirt!!!

So Lucy hit pay dirt this past weekend at the baby shower!!!! When it comes to clothes she is taken care of. I am actually concerned if she is going to be able to wear everything.

This wonderful little cradle was painted by my mom. It was the cradle that both my brother and I slept in when we were babys. This will fit perfectly in our bedroom while she is sleeping in there.

Like I said Lucy got A TON of clothes!!! Had to show people how blessed we came from the baby shower. Don't worry. Clothes aren't the only things that Lucy got. She got some big things too!! People were so nice and I really can NOT wait to post pics on here of all the outfits she will be wearing. I mean if we have a place to go or not I might have to make another blog called "Lucy's outfit of the day". That probably just what I will do on here. Make a fashion show of it. You know who its by, who bought it, and what size it is. lol.

This is me 33 weeks pregnant. I am now almost 35 weeks. I have my last ultrasound September 9th! Things are getting a little nerve racking, but everytime I get nervous and I just try to pray through it! I am really excited about having a Halloween baby or October baby. It is my FAVORITE month and Fall is my FAVORITE season!!! We actually have 21 days until the first day of Fall. Anyways I do want to thank everyone for coming out to the shower and supporting my family and me! Please keep checking after she is born to see what her first outfit will be!!

First Video of LUCY!!

This is what we here call the "Judee Chop". Please excuse the freckle and watch all of the video. Its only 34 seconds of your time!!! ;)