What a day...

Let me just say that I am praying the images I saw today are erased from my memory. I do not want to be laying in bed thinking about today.

Ok, starting at the beginning.... Today, Sammie wanted me to bring Lucy to work in her costume. I had no problem with that, especially since the kids across the street at a daycare were coming over to "trick or treat" at the office. Well, we get up a nine and I start rushing so I can leave at a decent time. We were also going to do lunch and his work is an hour away. After feeding Lucy and get myself put together, we leave. I am about a half a mile from my house when I see these two LARGE dogs attacking something. At first glance I thought it was a friggin' fox, but no it was a smaller dog. (Most likely a Dachsund/Chihuahua mix.) It was pretty, but I think it was older. I turn my car immediately around to scare them away from this poor, poor dog. I mean I was ready to RUN OVER THEM if I had too!!!!

Luckily, they see me and immediately run away, while the poor little dog makes a run for my car. It was pitiful to see because the dog obviously had a broken front leg, and lets just say that there was blood everywhere. I won't go into to many details, because the dogs injuries were quite severe and gruesome. I don't know what to do. My first thought is whether or not I have a blanket, picking that dog up and RUSHING to the vet. Knowing though that the dog will most likely have to be put down. My second thought is call Sammie. I call him, and he says to go to the house I was in front of and talk to them. Luckily, two neighbors were leaving and I spoke with them. It wasn't their dog, but they helped me look for it, since when I pulled further into the driveway it walked across the street and disappeared. Well, we decide to ask another neighbor. No luck. I guess we kinda consider it a lost cause. We all had to be somewhere. I put my car into reverse and start backing out the driveway, still running off adrenaline and well sadness...and I get my car stuck!!!

Thats right! I get my car stuck....this is at least the more POSITIVE point of the story. Well I finally go up the driveway and this wonderful woman comes out and helps me and the two other neighbors are helping me. Lucy is still in the car, and as I am walking back to my car, I say, "O Jesus." Not in a bad way, but in a way where my heart was sunk and it was literally crying out for help. Not to mention I stopped and tried to do something good and end up being MORE trouble!! Well, as I am walking, I decide to go look at what I am really stuck in...which is NOTHING. One of tires is off a ditch, and all of a sudden it was like literally Jesus spoke to my heart! Reverse your car! Don't try to go forward!! Well at first, all the people that were helping me were skeptical, but I asked the Lord to help them be open minded about my suggestion. The wonderful man said he was afraid of getting it stuck further, the wonderful woman said she had no problem if it made marks on her yard, and I said LETS TRY IT! I have a good feeling about it. And I did because as soon as I got that little nudge from God, it was like a burst of peace shot out and I KNEW it would work. Guess what? It worked!

It is amazing how in every situation we really can cry out to Him. Yes, sometimes we need to be specific, but all I said was "Please Jesus or O jesus" and He gave the solution! He KNEW what was in my heart and what I was asking for! How wonderful! It was a great reminder of His love! It really was! As for the dog, it was never found. The other large dogs I haven't seen, but I have been debating on calling Animal Control to observe the area. I don't want those nasty dogs in my neighborhood. Honestly, I think they need to be shot. My heart goes out to whomever the little dog belongs too. Part of me thinks it HAD to belong to someone because it was fat. Still it was horrifying to see and deal with. I think for an 8 month pregnant lady, I handled it ok. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I eventually got to Sammie's work, which I knew I would, and had a great time at lunch.

P.S. I made the man that was helping me reverse my car all the way to the street, because OBVIOUSLY I was incapable....

So many thoughts and so much stress....

Is it wrong that I am 29 weeks and ready to have this baby? I mean I am READY! I am excited, and yes I am tired of being pregnant. I mean seriously its like I have been pregnant two years. We have no where to put her right now. We are completely unprepared and honestly, I am ok with that (to a point). I am really that ready to have this baby! I feel like I have already dropped, which some of you might roll your eyes, but I feel sooo much pressure in my hips and other areas. It literally feels like she is resting in my pelvic area and sometimes kicking my hips. I guess she could be carrying low. Which, if that is the case, I really don't want to know what its going to feel like when she does drop.

So here are some things that have been going through my head. I have been called a "control freak" lately. I do feel out of control lately, which could be the cause of wanting to maybe control everything, but honestly, what young, new mom is NOT a control freak? I am part of a mama's group and know other mom's and when I see other people parent the way they parent I think, "Wow, what a control freak." So, seriously what mom is not a control freak? Further more, what pregnant mom is not a control freak? Do I feel like I have a right to it? No. But a mom works so hard to put her child on a schedule, to breastfeed (or bottle feed), to introduce new foods, etc. So, is it really so bad to want your child to be raised the way you want her to? Whether you are a working mom or stay at home mom, no one knows your little baby as much as that you. So if someone were to come in and change things or not listen to you when you say something is best for your kid, wouldn't you as mom not be a little irritated? To me, when I baby sat for so many years and worked at a camp/daycare, through some tough lessons, I learned that following instructions are very important when it comes to a mom and her child. Why? Because even though "You have been doing this a while." or "You've done this before.", doesn't mean you're a pro! Why? Because you haven't done it a while or before with THAT kid. Each mom does something different because we find what is best for US. It might seem wrong to other, but its right to us. (Now I don't mean certain things). So why feel insulted or irritated because a mom wants you to follow her instructions as closely as possible? See what I said there? "As closely as possible", meaning it might not be exact and if you have many kids, to try and fit in these things as much as possible and closely as possible with the other kid's schedule. Not to mention, I feel now being a mother myself, that when a Mom gives instructions, its not to be a bitch, but because it is what is BEST for HER child. I mean even the most laid back of moms is going to have some kind of instructions for their kid! Not to mention, if you don't follow them, YOU aren't the one that deals with it later. Yea must be nice....

On to bigger things....I semi-organized Lucy's closet this weekend and we are going to work on Lainey's room this weekend. It might not be finished, but I want it CLEANED out so I can put her stuff in there. For example, I would really like it if I can put her clothes away so that if I pop her out at some point, I am not sifting through bags! This situation is stressful enough and I would like to alleviate it as much as possible. I feel like this is one way. Not to mention, I would like to get the cradle out and have it prepared. I mean I am 29 weeks. The "final countdown" of when she gets here started at 28 weeks! I was so much more prepared with Lucy and wishing I pushed more to be a little more prepared this time. That way this time wasn't stressful. It could be smooth sailing and I didn't have to organize stuff when I am in so much pain! I mean cause now with the stress, hormones, and pain all mixed together makes for a crabby pregnant lady. I am very crabby and irritated because I want/need things done and want some things done my way. (CONTROL FREAK :) )

I think that is another reason why I am ready to have this baby, is because I am tired of being called "crazy", "hormonal", or "irrational". When I am called those things, people have no clue how much I want to hit them. I mean how rude! Pregnancy is hard enough and you want to add onto it? In my mind they're lucky I don't own a baseball bat and carry it with me. There are times in my last pregnancy that I look back and think, "Wow! I was bat-shit!" I do not feel like I have had one of those moments this time. Do I feel misunderstood? Definately and because most of the time I am talking to a man, I realize that there is no point in trying to make him understand. :) Sorry babe. Why? Because for some reason the more I try to explain it, the "crazier" and more irrational I sound to him (because he doesn't understand). I would kill for a time where a MAN (ANYONES husband or boyfriend) to know what its like to carry a child.

I will say that Sammie handles stress and pressure so well. I know we are both feeling the pressure of Lainey coming and he can still make me laugh even though it seems like more than ever we are in a massive stress phase. It can be really hard to think about something that is going to happen in 9-10 weeks, when you have so much responsibility at the present moment. It can be overwhelming I am sure. I fed him chili last night. I feel that laughter can heal and make people feel better. He was laughing so hard last night he was crying and honestly, despite the smell, it was nice to see him that way. Its been one stressful week. He needed a little gaseous/comedic relief. Lol.

This has probably gone to long and I'd love a nap.

Yours truly,

The control freak. :)

The Tale of the Poo....

So it has been stressful around our house lately because Lucy has been sick. I am exhausted. Luckily, this weekend has been pretty good. Yesterday, I went to a party and Sammie stayed with Lucy for a few hours. So I have gotten a break which is nice. Well then comes last night which I only get four hours of sleep, and then Lucy gets up at 7 or 7:30. I don't get a really good nap in, but I am grateful she took a good one. Anyways, when she woke up today, she was really fussy and has been on and off all day. I think maybe her stomach has been upset or something. She hasn't been taking her bottles. So, I have been keeping her hydrated with juice...I need to get some pedialyte (sp?). I forgot it for the second time today. Anyways, this really has nothing to do with the story I am about to tell you.

Sammie has been wanting me to change the bathrooms I give her a bath in. So now our guest bathroom is the kid's bathroom. Before I did that today, I had to wash out the bathtub and did so. As soon as I put her in the new tub, she seems to really like it. Its less slippery than ours and has less stuff for her to get into. Well she is splashing around having fun, we are laughing, and then I get a text....I swear I look at my phone for ten seconds and when I look up Lucy is playing with a friggin' turd! Aaaaaah!!! I say "crap! Literally CRAP!" and snatch her from the tub. I set her on the floor cause there is nothing else I can do with her since Sammie is NEVER home when these things happen....NEVER!!!!!!! I have to drain the tub, clean out the poo, clean her toys, and then give her a bath again because I am not gonna let her go around smelling like poo. While all of this is happening, I am sure most mothers know that their reaction is everything when it comes to these situations. Because I snapped her from the tub the way I did and said "Crap!" kinda loud, I scared her which made her scream and throw a fit. So as I am cleaning the tub, I am trying to calm her down by saying, "Lucy, you did nothing wrong. It's ok!!" By the time Sammie gets home, I am so ready to go away for a while and have a cocktail! Instead he asks me if I am ok and if I have her and he walks out to work on his bike...I rather not ask him to take her. He has helped me so much this weekend. At least by the end of the day, I have Pumpkin Ice cream to chow down on....and my bed. Please don't mind the errors...I didn't feel like re-reading this.

Drunk People are Funny

Sammie and I had an awesome time in New Hampshire. Absolutely gorgeous state and it was also very relaxing. We didn't take Lucy with us and that was probably one of the reasons why it was so relaxing. It was incredibly weird to be away for so long, but oddly enough, it is weirder being back. I had completely forgotten what it was like to sleep. I forgot what it was like to sleep in! I also forgot what it was like to have a day to myself! Well, the reason its so weird being back is because I oddly feel like a new mom again. She has changed so much in four days and has learned so much. I find myself asking, "This is mine?" Luckily, its like getting back on a bike and going. She was a little confused for a bit but after the second day, she has been back to laughing, smiling Lucy.

I wish I had actually gotten pictures while we were there. The first day I was there I woke up to an amazing view of a beautiful lake and rolling hills in the background. Nothing but nature surrounded Sammie's grandparent's house. It was GORGEOUS. I actually woke up as the sun was coming up and watched it rise over the lake. So pretty! Then the next day, I actually woke up to the view of the river in Manchester. Again, an amazing view. Everything was so fun, too. Being with Sammie's highschool friend Paul and his wife, Bethenny was SO fun! Not to mention there was A LOT of drinking...not by me of course. I did take a few sips here and there and had a beer....or two at the 10 Year Highschool reunion. All I have to say is that I have never tasted beer so good. They had a beer there that was a Pumpkin Beer (on draft) and when they served it to you, it had a shot of Vanilla Liqueur and a rim of brown sugar, and cinnamon....HEAVENLY. Don't worry I only had a sip, but if I wasn't pregnant, I could have drank those all night. Bethenny also introduced me to "Cider Beer". It basically tastes like an apple cider beer. Light and SO delicious. I probably could have changed between those two through the night if I could. I mean seriously New Hampshire=Gourmet Beer....next time I go I will NOT be pregnant and I will have one of those pumpkin beers aaaallll to myself!

Of course, everyone else was drunk except for the other pregnant girl (at the reunion). I was ok until the end of the night when my butt was numb from sitting on a bar stool all night and everyone commenting on my belly AND people telling me that they can't believe Sammie procreated...twice. So grateful Bethenny was at the Highschool Reunion. I was grateful for someone to talk to so that I didn't have to be Sammie's lost puppy.

One thing I hated about meeting new people is that I am from the south. That excuse aside, I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot. Which, I feel I did a lot while I was there. I'm sure no one else cared and I am sure most either don't remember or don't think about it as hard as I do. O well, I know I probably won't see most of those people later in life and by that time, I am sure they will have forgotten....hopefully.

The following video is of Sammie very drunk and his gassy friend, Paul. There is a REASON that I am NOT putting this video on Facebook and that is due to the language. So there is your warning before you watch. And this is the ONLY one I could post because the others are just....well how is anyone drunk? By this time they were completely hammered and when I showed this to Sammie, he said he didn't even remember it.

The Hunt for the smell...

Today, has been a frustrating day. Part of the reason probably being I didn't get a nap in. Naps have become something I need to kinda survive. Otherwise, I can be very grumpy. For example, today I was in Target and had been in line for about 20 minutes. There was a very long line behind me and I saw the last lady who seemed pretty irritated. I was SECOND in line and the friggin register froze. Well they moved the sweet, patient cashier to another register and what does that last little twit of a woman do in line????? She races torwards the new opened register and gets in front of me. How rude. I was with a friend and so I had someone to talk too. So, I turned around to my friend and said, "Must be nice. It wasn't like I was in line for 15-20 minutes!" Now, I am six months pregnant, just had a large lunch, and a fussy baby. I was READY to get out of there and it was getting hard to stand! I was so mad and am still irritated as I write this. Obviously, because I felt it worthy enough to write about. When Sammie called (after I had been waiting for another 5-10 minutes, and had called him about an hour earlier to see if he needed anything) I said, "Sorry babe, you are to late. So if you need anything to bad. I have been in line for 30 minutes now and I need to get out of here." All the lady did was look at me. Yes, I guess I am a witch. When someone does something like, especially when I am pregnant, I have NO problem making them feel uncomfortable. Now, I don't think I am owed the world when pregnant...but after waiting SO flippin' long in line, I was furious.

Now, another frustrating thing that I have been dealing with ALL week: As most people know, preggo's have a heightened (sp?) sense of smell. I have been smelling everything!!! We get home from our wonderful trip to Memphis, and there is blood everywhere. The blood trail was from the Kitchen, to the Living Room, and had some how made it to Lainey's room. We were dumb-founded. Soon, the smell of death had invaded our house. I was looking everywhere. At first, I had found a dead mouse underneath our stove. That was one of the smells. Then we took out the trash and cleaned the fridge, that took care of some other smells...still there was this lingering death smell! We knew that it had to be the mouse that the cats had some how mangled and let escape. This weekend was the weekend that we were cleaning our Lainey's room. We had alot of stuff in there, including Lucy's jumper. Well at first, we smell it in Lainey's room and then after we had moved all of the stuff out to organize and put in totes, it invaded our Living Room. Mind you as we do this, we have turned over the sofa (twice), moved furniture away from walls, cleaned, wiped down, and just really picked both rooms apart. Finally, tonight (Sunday) we were to the point that it had to be underneath the house or in the attic because it was only in one area of the house by now. Well, I am sitting on the sofa and look at Lucy's jumper. I didn't think that there were any holes in the bottom of the jumper, but I distinctly remembered Lucy's jumper being on its side when we got home from Memphis. That's not how we put it when we left... I start playing with the jumper and I lift it up to see if there are holes or any way to get under the jumping part (which has NO contact with Lucy at all!) Well sure enough, I lifted that damn thing and almost gagged. I was to excited though because I had finally found it! I turned around and looked at Sammie and said, "BABE!" He looked excited,too. I mean we have been living with this for days! And now I feel even more sorry for Lucy, who I had put in her bouncer twice since we had been home!!!! I really do feel terrible. Sammie took the thing outside, took it apart and there was the little, mangled mouse that barely had a rear-end. I went and got some Lysol, doused the inside of the parts and then got Clorox wipes and wiped it down. Yes, I used TWO disinfectants!! I was just incredibly grateful Lucy never came into REAL contact with it and that there was a piece of plastic in between her and that thing. Plus, it was amazing how FRESH the house smelt immediately!! I am also grateful for the fact that the plastic won't hold the smell. Anyways, I am going to bed, my back hurts. :)

I have no idea what to title this. TITLE.

I am so grumpy these days. People are so irritating. If some people knew what I think sometimes, they would never hang out with me again. Now its not everybody just some people. I've been really anxious lately and I am looking forward to this next doctors check-up to ease my mind.





I know no one wants to read a bunch of complaining, but I am going to anyways.



I'm gonna start with the dogs. I wish I had less dogs. Maybe it because I am more of a cat person, but I cannot stand the dog fur and the dog noises. The barking, waking up my child, really makes me mad. Simba is the loudest butthead (I'm trying to keep this PG) out of all of them. The older he gets, the grumpier he gets, and that means the louder he gets. I will spank him and the son of a butt will growl or talk back to me. You have no idea how this makes me want to lose my temper and show him who is boss. Pixel is sweet. I love her she is my favorite...except for when it comes to the pixel fur. She has tuffs of fur coming off of her right now and even though I might brush her, my carpet still looks like it wearing a toupee a day after I vacuum! SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I feel like no matter how much I clean, its NEVER good enough! Butter....ugh...butter. The OCD freak that has a few too many wires loose for my taste. All she does is lick and lick and lick and lick and chew and lick and chew and lick....and then chews on baby clothes and ONLY baby clothes because she is a jealous OCD freak. Not to mention, she is by far the stupidest dog I have ever met on the face of the planet. She will bark at her own shadow. And forget about discipline because if you spank her, she will pee everywhere and cause a bigger mess. Clyde is ok. Too me he is a little high maintenance because he has allergies, and he is a big baby. He also snores like a human and I have HAD IT with the snoring!!! He snores just like Sammie and can start snoring as soon as his head hits the floor.

People are irritating and I can't tell you how many people I have hidden on Facebook just so I don't have to listen to them. Maybe people have done the same thing. I just don't care. I mostly can't stand the judgemental people who think they know everything.....which is judgemental. The only difference is, is that I do know everything....hahaha. JUST kidding. I think I just wish people could view life differently and less about themselves. Sometimes when I look at the things people are freaking out over I think, "There are just so many bigger things in life to worry about." I think that comes from living in India though.

Second thing, is not necessarily a complaint, but more of how I feel lately. I think people look down upon me. Maybe, they do. Sometimes I quote scripture and they probably think, "She cusses. She has an attitude." Or whatever else they might look down on. The thing is, is who can really say what a Christian is suppose to act like? We are all sinners. I just don't think humans can judge that. We are not suppose to be the judges in this life and frankly if I answer to anyone, it is Jesus Christ. So if you tell me that I don't act "Christ like" please go look in the mirror and say to yourself, "wow that statement wasn't "Christ like". I think a lot of people know how I feel about Christ. I feel like I have an amazing, loving relationship with him. I feel like after the "religious' things were removed and everything became more about our relationship, it opened my eyes. What I mean by "religious" things are the "shoulds" that people place in our heads of how we are all suppose to be like. Once those things were removed, I feel like I could hear HIS voice instead of everyone elses. Plus HIS voice is the only one that matters. I can truly say I love Him and his love has been made complete in me like 1 John says. I feel that once my eyes were opened I could see what this life is really about. It isn't about being perfect or acting a certain way, but it is about love and how we love others. When I read the New Testament, all I hear is that word: Love. Our ability to love is so important. Forgiveness, thoughtfullness, are all ways of showing others that no matter how stupid I think you are, I still love you. And I think a lot of people are stupid. Like not flipping someone off because they cut me off, but praising Jesus I didn't run into them and we are safe! (That is kind of a joke, and its just an example :) ) I am not perfect at this, and never will be. Perfection is an impossibility since humans are born into sin. I try my best though and I will say it is incredibly hard to do while pregnant.

Being pregnant is annoying to me right now because I have to pee all the time, and other various pregnancy symptoms(like heartburn). I know I will be grateful once he/she is here, but going through this is really hard for me right now. I am very lucky to have a husband who has been incredibly patient with me, but also keeping me in my place. Sammie is honest with me and he communicates, which makes me respect him.

I don't really have anything else to say...THE END.

Good Mood Food.

This pregnancy is soooo different..so far. The further I am into it the more I feel pregnant. I have started having some morning sickness. In fact, I had some this morning when lucy woke up at four (I don't know why). Anyways, despite the sickness, I have been having A LOT of cravings and just like last pregnancy I have to have it or I will be sick if I eat anything else. One of the things that I am absolutely head over heals for are Burger King's Chicken Sandwiches. Here is a song/poem of how I feel about those sandwiches:

Lettuce, Mayo, Chicken, & Bread,

Sounds like something my baby needs

to be fed.

You started with a thought,

I wanted a coke Icee,

But you are what I got.

Man, you sure do know how

to hit the spot.

I know you are unhealthy,

but get in my dang belly!

O NO! Sandwich you are all gone!

But its ok, cause getting another one,

won't take long!

Of course, after writing this I feel like a heffer. I mean I know if I told you that I got a king size package of Reese's Minis and a king size package of Red Vines (Got them because they are low in calories..unlike the Reeses) you would probably agree with me. Honestly, I don't see how being pregnant is an excuse to turn into a wild african animal that hasn't been fed in years, but its been really hard to control anything. That includes my emotions and my irritability. At one moment, I am ok. The next, I might crying or wanting beat something up or screaming. Nothing makes you feel crazier than being pregnant! Ta- Ta for now!

No answers

Today, I really didn't get any answers from the doctor. At first he said my pap looked fine and then Sammie and I decided to do the Ultrasound. In the beginning, I didn't see anything and he didn't either. I mean this baby is tiny right now. Honestly, I didn't think that I was so early. I thought I was at least another week with how the tests were. Anyways, we did some blood work to see what my hormone levels are and then I go in again on friday to see if they have gone up. The doctor also wanted me to have another ultrasound done to see if the baby is growing. The same thing happened with lucy. When I look back and remember her 4 week ultrasound I just remember her being bigger and NOT hard to find! :( It is all in the Lord's hands. I have peace with it. I feel that if it happens, it does. If it doesn't, its doesn't. I will say that I feel more grateful. I have been so whiney about this whole process, and complaining about how fast it happened, but I have decided to be more grateful! It says in the Bible that Babies are rewards!!! I can do this. I will deal either way! I will enjoy more time with Lucy, but I am also grateful for the opportunity that the Lord has given me to be a mother to another child. I really do feel like this one is another girl. I changed the name, since trying to figure out a name made me feel better. It still doesn't feel real. I mean its just a bunch of cells right now! It doesn't even have a heartbeat!!! It really is amazing how life is created! Anyways, we changed the name to Lainey Elizabeth Meade. I feel that it is a good strong name, with names that have strong meanings!! Well tomorrow is Ms. Lucy Meade's sixth month check-up!! That means shots! :( I hate it! I hate seeing her so upset, but she has to have 'em. Luckily, the shots are free when you don't have insurance. That means we don't have to pay out the butt for her check-up!! She is sooooo funny! I love seeing her develope everyday and I think thats what drives me crazy or scares me about the new one!! I can't imagine being so incredibly happy with the next one or as excited about how she develops, but I will!! And ya'll know the other thing that scares me...the balance. Balancing this baby and Lucy!!! I love my girl! She is suuuuch a Momma's Girl!!! Love her! Anyways, I promised an update, here it is. Maybe I will have more info on Friday!

CRAZY

I have had a crazy day. I am exhausted. I just can't seem to get enough sleep!! Me...me...me...ugh Today, Lucy had issues with constipation. It took all day and a lot of prune juice to finally help her to pass all that she needed to pass. :( After she passed everything, she had a fever of 96 degrees! I didn't like that at all! Luckily it came down after some Ibuprofen and a little snooze. It is so hard to see your little baby in so much pain! I have been that stopped up and it is no fun! I have been in some pain for some time. It is not like cramping, which is what you would have normally with an early pregnancy, it is sharp pains on my right side and hip area. I wouldn't necassarily be worried about it, if it weren't just on one side. I wouldn't be so nervous if it were cramping instead of these sharp, stabbing pains!! This pregnancy has been nothing like my first. My first was less emotional and more physical. I was so sick, but had more energy. This one, I feel like I have NO energy and I cry aaaalllll the time. Like, I thought the first time I cried a lot....no, no way. And the way Lucy was today didn't make it any better. So, I go to the doctor tomorrow. We will see what he says and if he does an Ultrasound. I wouldn't mind it if he did, just so we could see that everything is ok. I want to enjoy Lucy as much as possible while I have this time by ourselves!! I would really hate it, if this got in the way. I know that probably sounds bad. Maybe even selfish, but I want my time with her!!! I mean I don't want my time taken away NOW! Its already going to be less time when the other baby gets here. I don't want that to start now!!!! She is such a Momma's Girl, too. I love how she is starting to reach out for me when she wants to be picked up or comforted. Or, how she puts her arms around me and her face in my neck! Those are such sweet moments and I want to eat them all up. I guess what I am afraid of is that she won't be as attached to me when the baby gets here, which is probably a good thing, but I want her to know that I love her just as much after the baby as I did before! Maybe I am being silly! It is so hard to wrap my mind around some things right now. Sammie's 28th Bday was yesterday. He didn't really want to celebrate, but I decided to surprise him at work with a cake and some lunch. It was fun and nice to eat lunch with him like we used too when he worked at Cracker Barrel! He had school last night, too. Mondays are so busy for him, but luckily he has only three classes left until he graduates. We will be having a party the night of his graduation, so anyone is welcome who reads this! He is very excited to finally be done with school! Well I was going to write more, but honestly I am just to tired! I will update the blog tomorrow so everyone knows what the doctor says. Ta-Ta for now!

Surprises

So I am not going to put anything on Facebook yet, but I wanted to I guess vent in way. Yesterday, I had gone to buy a little bottle of gin. Well, when I got back home I wanted to take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant before I drank. It came back positive with the faintest of lines. I told Sammie then said I was going to get more. I took another one and it was a more expensive brand and that one was an obvious positive. Of course, by this point I am just a little freaked out.

I woke up this morning pretty much thinking it was all a dream. I decided to go to Walgreens and get a digital one since all the pregnancy tests I was taking all had faint lines. (The one earlier was obvious, but still faint.) At this point, I needed to see the word. I was in denial I guess. So I get home this morning and luckily I had to pee! I took it and two minutes later it came up with the words. There is just no denying it now. I am pregnant with our second child.

Of course, since Sammie changed jobs, we won't have insurance for another month. So after May 9th I will go to the doctors office. I am most likely due December or the beginning of Janurary. I am grateful, but Sammie and I were by no means planning this. I am glad that Lucy will have a close sibling. I am sure they will be the best of friends. Personally, I believe its a girl. I want to name her Addison (because I love the name) Cheryl (After Sammies aunt) Meade.

My brother and I were five years apart. So, it was like being raised only children. I am so glad that I will be able to give Lucy an experience I haven't experienced. Despite my brother and I being so far apart we are all still really close. Thats how my family is and thats what I love about my family. They put love and forgiveness first and realize the everyone is going to make mistakes. We communicate if we have a problem and if there is a bridge burnt down, then we build it back up. I hope and pray that the family that I am creating and have right now with Sammie, will be like that!

I do have concerns too. I love Lucy Meade so much. I can't imagine loving something as much as I love her! She is such a JOY!!!! She is a light. She laughs so much and there is nothing like going to places and people telling me I have such a happy baby! Its wonderful. LOL! Anyways, I know people that have had babies this close together and were ok! I believe in my abilities. I also believe in the promise that Christ doesn't give us anything we can't handle.

I am also incredibly lucky to have a man that, I think, was more excited when I told him than me! This will definately different. I will certainly breastfeed, but since I will have Lucy I will probably supplement with formula...especially at night. :) I hope I have good time management skills!!! Anyways, despite that this will be hard, I think it could be a fun adventure! Well, Ta-Ta for now!

Fruits of the Spirit

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and Self-control; against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23 I went through most of my adolescence believing that the Fruits of the Spirit were things given to us. Has anybody ever prayed for patience? Then, after you pray for patience, your patience gets tested? Yea, God just doesn't give you patience. After having Lucy and listening to this sermon over and over again about peace, I realized that not only is peace chosen, but so are all the Fruits of the Spirit. After you pray for the Fruits of the Spirit God just doesn't give them to you, he gives you a situation to learn whatever Fruit of the Spirit you are praying for. This definately changed my thinking. Wow, to know that I can choose JOY! Not happiness, which is temporary and is superficial, but joy: something deep within us, that exudes a kind of happiness and light in our lives. That said, let me talk about "Love". Choosing to love people is hard. It says in 1 Corinthians 13:2b-3 "And I have Faith that can move mountains, but do not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I GAIN nothing." To me if you or me are going through life and feel like you or me have no purpose or like you or I have gained nothing, I feel that that means you or I am focusing to much on ourselves. Life truly isn't about us. Granted I can be an incredibly selfish person, but after my struggles in the past I am grateful that I know better now. I feel that I have gained a lot by learning to really love someone. I hope that Sammie feels loved, but honestly I can't control how he FEELS. The only thing I can control is how I love him and do my best. If you feel that you have done your best to love someone by "going through all the motions" then I hate to say it...its just not enough. ANY relationship cannot be based on legalism. That includes your relationship with God. Love is not just an action, but something that comes from Christ who lives in our hearts. It is something to be felt also. To feel nothing in life, good or bad, is a loss in itself. Fear is someting I struggle with and I know that I can choose whether or not to live my life in fear. It was not until I really got to know Christ what John meant when he said, "Perfect love drives out fear." I had to really learn what love is for me, to know how to drive out fear. Fear to me is not only just doubt, but it is selfishness. Fear is something that I continually struggle with and continually have to choose not to do or feel. Fear feeds into doubt. To me, doubt can be a lifestyle. The whole "I believe in Christ, BUT". If there is a BUT you are doubting Christ's abilities. It is a huge mess and a huge circle that we struggle with. Learning how to drive out fear, is learning how to love someone other than yourself. This is a constant thing to learn and to make better choices means to change your lifestlye of doubt. This all said, what do you think would happen if we continually CHOSE the fruits of the spirit? But choosing these, means giving control over to God. I mean, I know one of them is "self-control", but who is to say that just means choosing to control your fear, doubt, or selfishness by laying it at the feet of Christ? And choosing not to feel or live those things, by choosing Christ. I hope all of this made sense....

Random Videos and update...

I am working on other posts, but wanted to pop in a give an update! Babies change so much and so fast! Lucy rolled over for the first a couple of weeks ago and in the same week she started sitting up with a boppy! It has been really exciting see her grow and develop. She has also started laughing at other things, rather than just mommy. She will laugh at her stuffed animals now, too. I have also started the weaning process. Not because I want too, but because she wants, too! She just won't latch anymore at certain feedings and I am getting to a point where I am just really tired of fighting her!

Sammie got a new motorcycle. I say its for his birthday and Father's Day. Maybe the next three Christmas's too. Just kidding. Anyways, he is really enjoying being back at Take Care and I am enjoying it too because of the discount (especially on DIAPERS)!!!

Lipgloss update: The new Burt's Bees tinted lip balm is a God send. You need to check it out!!

Ta-Ta for now!

Anger issues and Boundaries.

I have anger issues. That is not a surprise to most people. I don't really know why I have them either. People are really irritating and forgiveness doesn't come natural to me. Does it come natural to anyone? My one and only New Year's resolution was to be a better friend. I think I have accomplished that, but to only one friend. I didn't know it was going to be so hard, especially now that I have an easy excuse...Lucy.

I used to be a very self-righteous person. If people didn't do it my way they were wrong, period. I would get into arguments just because of this, too. Now, what really irritates me is people asking for advice and hearing what they want to hear and continuing down the road of destruction. I guess I have gotten more forgiving because now I don't let things bother me too much like that. I just say, "Hey, if thats the road they want to go down, there is nothing I can do about it!" But then, after I say that and they have gone down that road...and now they're hurt and they're crying to me...I want to be like, "You effing idiot!! I told you this would happen and you didn't listen! Now you want pitty from me? Go eff yourself!" Hence the anger issues.... and thats still pretty self-righteous. I guess what is better now is that I am less vocal about it. Saying any of that wouldn't be a friendly thing to do.

I don't know why, but I like the feeling of being angry sometimes. I think it gives me some kind of false sense of power, because I can be really mean. I always feel bad afterwards though. I am a lot better than I used to be! For example, today Sammie asked me a question and I just didn't say anything. Honestly, yes I was mad and it was a little thing. I wanted to say some pretty mean things though, so I just told him "I really don't want to respond to this!" I rather not say something mean just to make myself feel better and then have to apologize later.

I think what my problem really is, is that I rather avoid people than set boundaries. How can you set boundaries and still be loving? Because sometimes I get so angry and I might literally be having visions of hitting the person. Being angry is exhausting though! And if you are angry about one small thing with a person anything else they do is more irritating and makes you angrier. And not setting boundaries leads to bitterness! I read a quote on facebook the other day from my friend Heather Hurdle, "Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." So true!!

I continually have to lay my anger down at the feet of Christ and let it go. I cannot control people, but I don't have to let them walk all over me either. That is why boundaries are so important. They keep us healthy. Sin feels good, and thats why I think anger can feel good sometimes. Boundaries are what help us grow up. I wouldn't have any friends if I told them to "eff off" all the time. Silence is golden sometimes. I just have to figure out how to set boundaries without being a bitch. I know everyone can tell me how too, but I think this might have to be learned.


On to bigger and better things. Lucy has had some issues this week. It has been a very stressful week for me and I have been concerned about food allergies. She hasn't been breastfeeding very well, which makes life harder. I wanted to breastfeed until she was about eight months or so. This is what is best for her! This is how it was designed! So, I would really hate to stop early, but I can't force her. She just might be less interested since she has started baby food!

Just to let everyone know, I caved and went and got that $4.99 lipgloss at Walgreens. There is a BUT though and that is the fact that it is the PERFECT color for me (exactly what I have been looking for, for years) and the PERFECT texture. Texture is important people! Of course, every person likes a different texture. I like "slighty sticky, but lasts" kinda textures. This one is perfect! So I guess you could say I got my Easter present early!

Sammie is still Sammie. Excited about going fishing this season. So am I. I can't wait to take Lucy! I think she will have a blast!

(I'm watching Coyote Ugly right now and it is the stupidest movie. I might be losing IQ points)

I hope this blog made sense...

Things....

The following is an admission of guilt.

Some people drink, others do drugs, but I buy lipgloss. People say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Well, I am a lipgloss addict. When I have a bad day, I want to buy lipgloss. When I feel sick, I want lipgloss. For every Holiday, I want lipgloss. I actually get high after buying lipgloss. I get sooo excited about it, at night sometimes I think, "Tomorrow, I can put my new lipgloss on!!" I get THAT excited about lipgloss and its sad really. Something so small and shallow can make me feel better, that it could even boost my self-esteem. I probably have about ten in my purse. I don't know how many in my bathroom drawer, but for an addict I think that is a small amount. I use them all. In fact, a month ago I actually used my entire Covergirl NaturalLux Lipgloss in just a couple of weeks. It is one of my favorites and is now 40% off at any RiteAid Location.

The RiteAid flyer is the devil. It has lipgloss on sale every week!! Not to mention it seems like they have new lipgloss coming out aaalll the time. Now, Sammie works for Walgreens which mean that not only can I get lipgloss on sale, but I also get a friggin discount. This has been the hardest time practicing control!!!! I have been obsessing over a lipgloss that I want for a week now!! Its $4.99 at walgreens plus the 15% off I get!!! AAAAAH! Its driving me crazy just thinking about it. When I put it in perspective though, I feel really bad. I mean how shallow can I be?

It gets worse. My birthday was just a couple of weeks ago. I got two Coach bags. One is from our friend Chris and the other is "from Sammie" (which means we went shopping and He let me pick it out. Yea, he is the best gift giver ever!!) Anyways, when I was in the store picking my new fabulous pink coach bag, I actually felt sad that something so shallow and materialistic could make me feel good. What is wrong with me? I went to India where people had NOTHING and now I am back and lipgloss and purses make me "feel good". Not to mention, when I do buy those things the "high" only lasts for a few days, except for the bag. I get a high everytime I carry that damn thing. LOL! Oooo gosh but this isn't funny! There are bigger things in life!! SOOO much bigger!! I mean I guess its better than eating a cupcake everytime I feel bad! I don't know! O my goodness!! I am really trying to practice control and only buy lipgloss when its a special occassion. For example, for Valentine's I got a lipgloss and for my birthday I got two Lancome lipglosses. Yup and Easter is coming up!! Guess what I will want? *sigh* It takes Jesus to even practice THAT much self-control.

Okay so here are a few updates about the other two people that live with that don't have addictions to lipgloss.

Lucy has started smacking and sucking on her lips. Its literally the cutest thing on the face of the planet and despite the fact that every mother wants the sun to shine out of there childs ass, the sun really does shine out of Lucy's ass. Okay? When she cries it still shines,too. LOL! Anyways, she still hasn't rolled over, which concerns me. She can roll from her tummy to her back, but not the other way around. I know every child develops at their on pace, but I wonder of course if there is something I am doing wrong!! She lifts her head very well and is a "supported sitter", but Sammie still reminds me every once in a while to stop worrying!! Lucy also is the loudest child I have ever met. I have babysat since I was 13, and I have never seen a child start at the very top or highest pitch they could get and then go down to the lowest. Its a good thing though. I know when she is happy and I really know when she is sad! Five months old and she already know how to communicate and what can I say she has her mother's lungs!

Sammie started school today. Its his last class in his Masters program!!!! It is so exciting! It is a ten week class and after that he graduates in May! He also recently started back at Walgreens! Crackerbarrel just wasn't a good fit. It was just too boring for him. He is what my mother likes to call a "shark". He constantly is having to do something and move forward. I am not complaining. I am just not the same. I will go back to school, but it won't be until we get some of our debt under control and I am ok with that. Maybe, I will pop a few more kids out until then or something. LOL! Anyways, Sammie has been really happy to be back at Walgreens. He learns something new everyday and is getting some awesome experience. Sammie also has started making his own jerky. Honestly, its the best jerky I have ever had. I am not saying that because I am bias or anything, its just really that good.

Me- Well, besides my lipgloss obsession, I vaccuumed today and got some laundry folded and put in the drawers. I feel incredibly accomplished today! I even swept, did the dishes, and so on! Yay! Ta-ta for now!

Part 2

I promised pics last time and didn't deliver. Here are a few new ones for those of you who don't have facebook!

Last time I wrote something, well it was sad. My parents both found it sad. Which is what it is!! I mean this is what made me do the things I did! Its sad! I am hoping that this post is not going to be such a downer this time, but I am going to start off with some sad things.

I think my last downer about India was when I was with Abby (not her real name). She was so sweet to take me in for the month and a half I was with her. She was also incredible with the nationals. When I came into the picture, I do not feel like I was an asset to her. In fact, I ruined a relationship she had with a brother and sister who were non-believers. The brother had a crush on her and my dumbass told him he needed to tell her. I wasn't thinking Oooo maybe if he told her, She would reject him, that would make things awkward and they would no longer be friends. The second relationship I feel I did not handle very well was with a sweet couple. They also had the two cutest kids!! Anyways, they needed money to fund their ministry. I again was a dumbass and told them that maybe I could set up a fundraiser in the States for them....ugh. Did I ever do that? No. I didn't. When I look upon this situation, I feel that out of all of them this is one that has really helped me grow. This tought me how to be more thoughtful. It tought me to think about all the people involved. To this day I can't think of why I had that brother declare his feelings. Maybe it was to promote honesty??? Heck I don't know. I was young and obviously unwise....I didn't know how to live life. I didn't know how to process things.

This leads me to the year I got back. One of the WORST and BEST years of my life. At first it was incredibly lonely. All of my friends had gone off to college, I was starting to go to a new church, and no one realized what I was going through. When I got back, I just thought things would go back to normal. That is what I wanted. I wanted to pretend that that didn't just happen. Well after going down to Mississippi and trying to start a relationship with this LOSER guy, I started having panic attacks. I literally started to go crazy and because of this guy and these panic attacks, I lost my best friend. My bestfriend and I never recovered either. At least not like we used to be. I miss her, too. That didn't help the panic attacks.

I went to counseling through-out this year. It didn't help, but I don't think I wanted it to help. When I got back from India, I was changed and I wanted to be my own person. I didn't think the person I wanted to be would be appropriate though. I mean I had just gotten back from a missions trip. There had to be a certain expectation as to how my life was going to go! Well, the more I held this new person in, the sicker I got. Mid-summer I decided I was going to go off to college to UT Martin. I loved the campus and my tour there just made me fall in love with the school.

Sammie

A lot of people didn't understand why I was so willing to hurt my family to be with Sammie. Sammie was stable. He was someone that could understand me and love me. He was a rock. A safe place. As soon as I started dating Sammie the panic attacks stopped. He was something different for me and I was something different for him. I feel like we were both a couple of tall glasses of water for each other on a hot day. I honestly believe that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here today. I was like Alice in the rabbits hole, spiraling out of control. He caught me when I hit rock bottom. Now when I was trying to climb out of the hole it was tough on our relationship. We even almost split-up, but at that point I had finally climbed out and things turned around. My friend Paul told me to read Proverbs when Sammie and I weren't doing too well and it changed my life. It gave me a new perspective on life, on God! See, there was just no going back after India. I couldn't stop being a believer because of all the things I had seen, but I needed a grasp on what I did believe! I knew who Mary Fergus was but who was Mary Meade? Sammie gave me a new start.

Despite the fact that my heart still aches from time to time, I know more about Christ now than ever before. I really do believe that the Gospel just isn't about the "sacrfice" but about love. India, no matter how horrible it was, taught me what my purpose was/is in life. Sammie taught me about life. When it all came together in Christ's perfect plan, I feel like I was finally able to see the big picture. Now, I am not perfect and I am still learning, but I finally realized that it was about love. That is why it says in Corinthians that love is bigger and more important than faith and hope. Those are two huge things to be bigger than!!! I mean Faith can move mountains...imagine what love can do!! Its very hard to love people. Forgiveness is hard, but this is how Christ wants us to be like him!! He doesn't want us to be perfect, which was an issue I struggled with for years, its about loving like him! If it wasn't for my struggle (and I hate the fact that for me to learn this lesson I hurt other people) I honestly do believe that my life would have been sad. If I didn't make the decisions and break free in a way, I don't think I would ever have gotten to know Christ on a real personal level....at least not for a while. He always has a way.

* I reread this a few times. Sorry about any grammatical errors.

Can the good out weigh the bad?

I know it has been a while since my last post. Motherhood is busy and I do plan on posting a few pics of Lucy on here after I am done, but I need to take a second and get something off my chest. A lot of you probably know that I have gone to India. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my last trip there. I have a lot of regrets and even though I do, I also miss it. I miss the color. I miss the smells. I even miss the culture, but after I think about the things I miss, it is like all the negative things that happened on that trip come back to me and make me sad. So many regrets....





I feel stupid talking about it. I feel like its "dramatic" or too small to even worry about and thats why I keep it to myself. I think "No one else is going to understand. No one else is going to see this as a big deal." And maybe not, but then again no one else was there with me.








The second time I went for the first two weeks I was witha group. An awesome group that really bonded while we were there! It was so fun and fruitful and me ministered to the people there. I remember this one time when we were at "Mother Theresa's Destitute and Dying" and there was this wonderful, blind old lady who was just hanging out. Well I went over to her to say hey and she asked my name(in hindi) and I told her. Well that is a catholic run hospital and she lit up when I told her my name. It just seems that all of my good experiences happened with the group...except for a couple.





The group and I went to a ceremony on the Ganges River, which is a stronghold for hinduism and a river that they worship. It is a very powerful place where cremations take and people bathe. Yes, they do both. If people can't afford cremation they just throw the bodies into the river with something to hold them down...well eventually the bodies make it up to the surface. The second time I went to india it was just a man, bloated from the water. The first time I went it was a little girl about six years old, with a bird pecking her head as she floated down the river. Now that I have a daughter, this image in my head makes me sick. But this experience that I guess "traumatized" me is about my second trip. I did see a lot of death in India. Especially where we were at the ganges river. I could go further about the things I saw but I will spare you and just talk about those things that put the "crazy gene" in me. So, after this ceremony, after prayer walking, we were going to back to our cars to go back to a hotel. As I was walking I felt something, something odd around my "special" area....men there are ridiculous. Apparently they feel like they can put there hands on anywhere on anybody. Uggggh! Thats right this man had is hand in that area.... sometimes I am still like "maybe I was hallucinating". I think its more just wishful thinking....





I guess because of that situation right there set the "mood" for the rest of the trip. When the group left I was sooo scared and cried sooo much. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to live life. When I look at pictures, like I just did, all I feel is sick. This is NOT how I wanted to feel. I rather feel joy. I rather smile at the good memories rather than look at them and groan because my heart aches.



For a week, while the girl I was staying with went to renew her visa, I had the privledge of staying with nationals. This is where most of my regrets come from because I was literally frozen with fear... Sunday when we all went to church I was suppose to say a few words. My testimony, what I thought about God, ANYTHING! Well as the pastor was asking anyone new to come up and say a few words ( the "new" person being me obviously because I'm WHITE) I sat there. Yup. I just sat there and sank in my chair. Errg! The shame that I saw on the nationals faces after that!! Omgosh! I embarassed them. Depsite the fact that probably don't even remember me and if they do they have moved past this situation I am stuck in it. It is something I think of when I really want to punish myself....just kidding. But it is something I think about and cringe. I can just imagine watching this in a movie. Everyone would be like, "Get up!! Go girl! You can do it!! GET UP!!!." And the disappointment in the audience when I don't. What also drives me crazy are the people that I talked to when I got back. So proud of me. I remember showing pictures to people who gave money for me to go and I literally told them nothing about the trip. I guess I was trying to keep all the "bad" stuff to myself. I wanted people to stay proud of me and not know that the trip was a FAIL. I think because I was keeping all my regrets inside of me is the reason I started having panic attacks when I got back. So I guess my question is, is can the little good I had in the trip really out weigh the bad? I mean I have forgiven myself, but that doesn't mean I forget. That also doesn't mean that sometimes I have to forgive myself over and over again! Anyways....this blog post is TO BE CONTINUED.... I will post Lucy pics in that one because I am literally running out the door....literally... SORRY!